Happy Father's Day!!!

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. ~Enid Bagnold

He sat at the table in silence, thinking about how long him and my mom had been struggling with finances. "Six years." He said over and over again, amazed by how much time had gone by. Its amazing how fast time goes by when you pay no mind to it. Have you ever noticed that? Staring at a clock for 2 minutes feels like 2 hours, but when you look away 2 minutes feels like 2 seconds. My dad isn't a fast man, he will tell you he is, but I can tell you opposite. I have grown much to fast for him. I never gave him the opportunity to adjust.

My Dad has done alot for me through the past 2 almost 3 years. More than any Dad has ever done for their own daughters. Many times my Dad could have told me to get out of his house, but didn't. I don't know why he keeps me here, I know he loves me, but I am such a pain in the ass I wish I would leave.

In my life I have done alot of stupid stuff, said some stupid things, and acted in stupid ways. But I always thought about my Dad when it came to my education. I thought about six years ago up until now, how my parents struggled. I thought about how my dad laughed at the dinningroom table at mckean st even though everything around him was falling apart. I thought about the amounts he has given me, and my brothers and simply asked for nothing in return except a clean kitchen.

I am blessed to have him for a Dad in my life. He has shown me the importance of education and how your life will be if you dont have it. He has shown me dedication, hard work, and he has shown me unconditional love. I respect him for everything that he was, everything that he is, and everything that he is to become.

I love you Dad. Thank you for being the shove in my life instead of the push. Thank for you seeing great things in me and always just wanting the best. Thank you!

falling walls

We have choices in life. That I believe is one of the best things about life, the choices. We can either stay or walk away. If we stay or if we leave we start to wonder this- Will it get better, or not? A risky situation one must take when their walls around them start to fall around you. Some people stay and attempt to put the bricks back up, to rebuild that wall. Impossible, as it may seem, means nothing to the ones who choose to stay. It took our whole lives to build our own sturdy walls. They held in our fears and our weaknesses. These walls we built shelded us from the ones who attempted to break us down or step on our strengths. These walls, comforting, yet protective held us back from what we could have been.

Sometimes things just happen in our lives that we are forced to walk away. No choice about it, just the wonder. If all your life you faced a sad moment at home and all you wondered "will it get better?" do you still wonder it? As you carry all that you can carry in your arms do you still wonder if it would get better? I can only hope it would. The feeling that things make sense, your life is at peace. It's a good feeling when things are calm.

It will get better. We hear that alot when bad things happen to us. We all can not stand to hear someone speak about a better tomorrow. What makes you think I want you think I want you singing "The sun will come out tomorrow..." or any positive tune when I feel this way? huh? What makes you so positive that tomorrow is going to be any better? Tomorrow will be better because its a new day. Tomorrow will be better because all tomorrow's are begining of opportunities. The start of a new you! Your walls have fallin all around you and things are looking bad. The strength you once had cant hold up the rest of the wall any longer and your fears are what you have to face. Sometimes life gives you choices, and sometimes it doesnt.

Holding up that wall your arms begin to shake and your legs could give in at any moment. You could cry out for help but you wonder "Will anyone hear me? Will anyone even help me?" Silence has been your only volume when it came to needing help. You can fix it yourself you dont need help! But this time, you cant. Sometimes knowing someone who understand how you feel or what your going through is just enough. That person will always come and help you hold up that one section of the wall because they know the feeling of lost security. We all assume we are the only ones in this HUGE planet that experience pain, sorry, fear, shame, etc.. There are billions upon billions of others out there in the world living your life. Some may be worse then yours-that is when you count your blessings. Thank God the walls didnt fall on top of you. Who would dig you out? Id like to think the one who would hold the wall up.

Speaking on my own experiences, It will get better. When your walls are falling all around you, it will get better! I pinky swear!

Enough is ENOUGH!!!!

I am lost. I am lost because I am confused. When we are in a bad relationship, or in any relationship we see for ourselves as bad, why do we stay? Why is THAT enough for us? I truely feel it is because we are afraid of what may come after. Will you find someone else? Can you move on? What if you don't find anyone else?


Today my very good friend "Anna" was upset with her boyfriend "Joe". All she wanted to do was see him and spend some time with him. Turns out this whole time Joe was in the same area as Anna and he neglected to even tell her. A constant let down she faces every morning with a side of babys cry as her morning music. So I asked her this-When is this relationship enough? When is this relationship going to be just enough for you? her response "It would be enough if he would just stop doing the stuff that he does!" I sat there in silence because I grew even more lost then before I had asked the question.


Why do we have to wait for enough to actually be ENOUGH. I feel we are constantly trying to fix men into something we dream of. We have this image of this man on a white horse putting aside his life to save ours. A dream to be saved by a selfless man on a white horse. But even he needs training too. God, it's like I am talking about a dog. Men are not dogs, but they sure need training like them. Everyone wants that perfect K-9 but you cant get that perfect dog unless you train it. Same goes for men. You cant get that PERFECT guy for you unless he is trained to your perfections. But would that be enough for him?

We never blame ourselves for staying either. It's always "Loves" fault for us staying. "If I didn't love him so much I wouldnt stay?" And then we blame our future as if that cant be altered for our own sanity. No matter what serious relationship you are in, you will ALWAYS see them in your future. They are who you know, so why wouldnt you see them in your future? Of course you can not see anyone else, you havent met anyone else.

So, when is it enough? When is any relationship enough for you? Do you stay and train a hellen keller or do you walk away? Maybe it is right to stay. If you truely love someone you should stay and help them improve themselves. As that maybe the case for marriages, that is not the case for relationships. From being around my friends and listening to them talk about their relationships my best advice to anyone who is in a relationship that constantly has its faults. a Negative feeling in the pit of your stomach-Don't waste your time. You are just asking for more let downs and heartbreaks. It is easier said then done, believe me I know. Dont assume I am writing this without any experience. I have been in the SAME relationships, asking the SAME questions, and then listening to the SAME stories being told by my friends. It is a waste of time fixing someone for youself who never wanted to be fixed for you in the first place. When you are finally in a good relationship, the guy treats you the way you deserve to be treated and doesnt need any personality training, then that is when the relationship is enough.

Walking the same tracks.

"No one will EVER understand how I feel."

" I just feel like I am all alone in this, and no one will ever get how I am feeling."

"I have no one to talk to about this because no one gets me."

Have you asked yourself any of those questions when caught in a tough situation? Or not really understand what it is your feeling to the point you believe no one else will either? We are all sitting on the same train tracks waiting for that same train to take us to where ever we need to be.

You are NOT alone. If you want someone to understand you, speak. Speak like you have never spoken before. If you write, then write as if this will be the last time you put your heart down into words. This is the moment to truely allow people in to your world and express what your feeling. You will be surprised at how many people say "I am going through that too. I thought I was alone in this as well." Or " I had no idea you felt his way." Or maybe even "Now I understand where you stand- I get you."

It is truely just a release and a weight off your shoulders knowing that someone is carrying that same weight. Now you two can carry that burdon together and all of a sudden it doesnt seem so heavy. The world doesnt seem so heavy on your shoulders when others are holding it up with you for the same reasons or the same feelings. Life is a peaceful place and all at once you dont feel alone. Yes, the situation your in may still be there causing you pain- But the feeling of being alone has digested itself away. You are not alone when you want to be heard, seen, or valued.

"Everyone wants to be valued. We all want to know. Do you see me? Do you hear me? and Does what I say mean anything to you?" Oprah said that and my response to that and to you is this.

You are valued. I see you. I hear you. And what you say will always mean something to me.

I Pinky Swear.

Remember when you were 8, sitting with your best friend. You each made a promise and to seal that promise you made each other pinky swear. How deep of a promise that was at that moment. You now were committed to your best friend. Loyalty was at an all time high. Now that your older, making a pinky promise means nothing to you. Just some childish tradition that ends the moment you learn how to diseave the people you care about. The moment you find your way out of a pinky promise is the day you lose a bit of your trust.

Maybe we need to go back to our 8 year old days were promises really meant something to us. Maybe instead of sealing our vows with a kiss, instead, seal it with a pinky swear. Maybe it'll mean more. Maybe that should be our new ending to the wedding ceremonies. Nothing would happen, since no one take those vows seriously. If you dont take the vows seriously, then whats the point of marriage? Why bother getting married if you have the risk of ending it later.

Today, I am afraid of committing myself to marriage. Will my future husband take those seriously? Will sealing our vows with a kiss be enough or will I go back to my 8 year old self and gain commitment that is found sealed within a pinky swear or maybe a kiss?

Sometimes I would much rather walk alone. I have spent years and years trying to find that friend that everyone talks about. The friend that has seen you through your worse of days and the best of days. The one who is always welcomed in your home by your family because they have treated you the way a true friend should.

I will speak on behalf of alot of people when I say how frustrating it is giving someone everything you have and more and getting nothing in return. You begin to question yourself-whats wrong with me? Why do I give so much and they give nothing? Am I just meant to be alone for the rest of my life?

Those questions may make one depressed but we can not help but think about it. I am sure millions of men and women, boys and girls, have all thought of the main question-Whats wrong with me? We always end up blaming ourselves because the one person we love and do so much for has done no wrong. They themselves are the ones to blame-NOT you! People who care about others and give them all they can without complaining are never to blame.

Maybe that is God's way of putting you first in your thoughts before anyone else when you instantly wonder what is wrong with you. You know there is nothing wrong with you. You certainly have done nothing wrong.

All we want is someone to walk with us on our lives journey. We want to know that when we look to our right there is someone standing there preparing to catch us if we trip or be there for moral support through the way. That is a dream and a wish for alot of people who have spent most of their life alone wondering in the dark. This is reality, the truth that never seems to fail us. Reality, this is just the way it is, tells you to just move on by yourself. Make sure you got your ipod fully charged, put on your comfortable cloths, and button up that jacket you had hangin in the closet for so long. Put it on and go on your way. Your journey begins the moment you let go of all the people in your life who never cared the way you cared about them. This is your moment to walk with the only person you can trust with your deepest darkest secrets, accept their every flaw, dream of things way beyond their years. Now is your time to walk with- YOU!

grasp

I had his grasp. I could feel his palm sweating in mine and a held on for dear life. He was amazed by my strength and commitment I had when it came to holding his hand. Half a world away I grasped his hand as if he was standing right next to me. I never wanted to let go, for a while I had never had a grasp this good before. My hand was comfortable and I was happy right were I was. Consumed in my own bliss.
But I had an itch that I couldnt ignore. A haunting it was the longer I tried to ignore it. My other hand was full of my own lifes things. Why couldnt this itch just disappear and he see that I'm happy? Can't he just except that for once in my life that I have a firm hold on something that means everything and more to me? Hesitation over flowed my body, i removed my grasp, only to follow that one commandment rule. Took care of the itch and when I went back to grasp that perfect hand I had found it didn't feel quite the same.
He isnt amazed by my strength or my commitment, infact, he believes I lack them both. I want to let go, I've never hated a grasp so much in my life. I've changed everything about this amazing grasp I once had. That itch just had to jump in and remove me from my bliss. I'll attempt to hold his hand, but a sudden jerk the hand tells me I shouldnt.