PUMPED UP!!!!

I have become a magnetic trap for low-class men in PA and I am currently trying my best to upgrade to middle and then push for upper-class. Why? Well because it just amazes me the way these guys think..Nothing is taken seriously, nothing is important. They have no goals, no values, they are men without any type of virtue, they have no care about anyone or anything.

It just amazes how they get by each day..Are they really happy living paycheck to paycheck? are they happy not having a good education? do they like where they live? have they ever wanted better?? and the last thing i think about is- Oh my gosh im gonna have to take care of him financially?

I know what i want for myself and emm and i can see my future clearly now and i dont see me living paycheck to paycheck..I dont see her and i struggling..I want to be a stay at home mom..dont make me do something just because you neglected to get your education. Rude? probably but think about it...I married you and as a man you need to go out and support YOUR family..im the wife my job is to stay home with the kids and keep the house in order so my man is happy..disagree all you want but thats the life i want and im not in any way going to turn out like my parents..working paycheck to paycheck and working 2 jobs just to get by each month.

My problem, however, has been that I am to accepting of EVERYONE. I believe God has given me the gift of compassion and unconditional love for everyone and everything. I dont judge, I get to know ppl before i place any criticism, I forgive ALWAYS, and my friends are wierd people. I feel God has giving me the gift of unconditional love because when someone does me wrong and although i am so mad at them when they appologize i forgive them with open arms and invite them back into my life..no questions asked, i give them my trust, and i love them as if nothing had happened..Is that wrong to be that way? maybe that is why i attracht low-class men because I just dont give a sh*t....maybe its about time i started to give 2 sh*ts and demand respect...i deserve respect and so does every woman inthe world...UGH!!! now im pumped up!!!!

Attitude...

im looking at my dads computer and there is a quote on it that i have fallin inlove with ill post it on here because i would love for you all to read it as well:

"the longer i live, the more i realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one thing we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how i react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes"

-charles swindoll

My baby girl

I love my daughter..

God has truely blessed me with a beautiful baby and i feel enormously blessed to have her in my life.. how fortunate am i to have such a good baby? and she really is a good baby only cries when she is hungry tied or needs changed..she sleeps good (4-5 hours each night) i am VERY VERYYY lucky..

I am happy to see that she looks like me and not her father..who is not in the picture..it wasnt his choosing it was mine..yes i no what you may be thinking --how can you do that to her, she needs a father in her life-- as that may be true please understand this [[some of you can]] as a mother we do whatever we can to make and keep our child(ren) safe from anything harmful..i felt his environment was harmful and i felt that the way he was raised he may teach her that its okay to be like that..and truthfully its not..dropping out of high school at 17 and moving out on your own when you can barely take care of yourself is not okay..working a seasonal job that has a high chance of firing you is not okay..brothers and fathers screaming at each other is not okay..Oprah always said "trust your inner voice" and through out my entire pregnancy my inner voice kept saying --this isnt a good idea nicole..dont share her..keep her with you at all times..be selfish-- and i was..even when i started to feel horrible i thought --you know what i am giving her the best life..i am giving her a safe home, faith, love, a good family to look up to..dont feel bad for him--

I would say that every day until i felt it [[not bad]] One day i didnt have to say it because he had done something that made the feelings stick..He had another baby 3 weeks after emma joyce was born!!! can you believe it?? for a moment i was upset because he lied to me [[cheated]] made me feel like bad for not letting him in..but he had another girl pregnant..i just felt gross like i should have never missed that beat i should have known..but we never really know its unexpected it is what it is and there is nothing i or anyone could do about it..stupid move on his part

sometimes in our lives we look up and pray for just a moment and ask God for strength and to guide us to where he wants us to go..Patience had become my best and worse friend. Patience is a verture i am currently trying to conquer but feel stressed when things dont come fast enough. God put patience in my life because he knew a good thing would come..im just waiting..i go about my days working, school, taking care of emma joyce and i wait..i have put my life in Gods hands and i feel whatever happens happens..its not my life anymore..its Gods life and he will lead me which ever way he pleases..if that means leading me to heaven [[so be it]] if it means leading me to the streets [[so be it]] its all him now and i trust God with all my heart..im just being patient and loving my little girl more and more..maybe thats what God is doing maybe he is putting ahold on other things to give me a chance to love and embrace my daughter..maybe God is allowing me to calm down..i need to calm down after a crazy year..

--patience is a vertue i am trying my best to conquer--

-nicole