I can remember 14 months ago. Holding my emma joyce in the hospital room, just her and I, alone. I had no visitors. I had no nurses or doctors in the room. It was just me and my emma. As I was holding my daughter in my arms I began to study her. Amazed that this little person grew inside me. I observed every inch of her because I obviously never made something like this before. She was sleeping and she slept as if she had been sleeping in my arms forever, so at home-she was.

Then I took a moment, looked around the room, and it dawned on me. I am alone. family and friends came to visit but by the end of the day it is just emma and I. I had no boyfriend, no husband. I never felt so alone in all my life. Never have I felt so scared to be in a situation I had to embrace by myself. Never have I felt so unprotected from any force that could possibly knock me down. Even though I had always wanted to be a mom, never did I want it to be this way. I atleast wanted to be married first. How embarrassing it was to sit in a hospital room and be alone. No one could see me but I felt like I was center stage under the big light. How could I have been so careless? 'Till this day I have no answer to that.

Still holding my new born, daughter, in my arms i slowly began to cry. She came into this world and into a life I did not want her to be in. I wanted her to come into the world with a home, a mommy and a daddy, her own room. She did not have any of that..just a mommy and a home. But it's not her home its grandma and grandpas home. She has a room but its mommy's room too. Holding Emma Joyce, I gave her a hug, held a kiss to her forehead and the only thing I could say to my daughter was "I am so sorry."

DON'T CHEAT--plain and simple

Yesterday I called my best friend "tina". I could tell by the sound of her voice that something was on her mind. Something she just had to tell me but wasnt sure how to tell me. Instantly I had to find out what it was tina was trying to hide. She kept persisting that there was nothing to be told, I pushed on and kept asking "are you sure? cuz it sounds like there is." and sure enough-I was right.

You see, Tina has a boyfriend named mike, she loves her boyfriend much. Just the other day she told me they talk about getting married a couple years down the road. So when Tina told me that she had cheated on Mike, I was dumbfounded. It made no sense to me that this girl c0uld cheat on this man she "claims" to love and want to spend the rest of her life with. I was extremely disappointed in her choices. I told Tina that she needs to get her act together and tell mike what she did. She said she doesnt want to, and that makes me think again...How can you knowingly hurt someone and just move on without it eating you from the inside out? Does tina have no heart with this situation? In my opinion if tina is so scared of the consequences then she shouldnt have cheated.

Later on that day (haha) I was talking to my mom about tina and the WHOLE story. My dad was in the same room and just had to put in his two cents. Right when I said Tina cheated on Mike. My dad said "whats it matter? they arent married" Which i disagreed with..In my opinion whether you are married or not cheating still hurts and it is still a lost of trust. He then persisted to say that unless you tell the guy if this is an open or closed relationships he has free raine to date whom ever he pleases..this made me realize how completely simple men are made to be.

I have noticed that alot of men (not all) require that we women point out the obvious or just point blank say what we want or how we feel because men cant tell the difference. I have to tell a man when I love him, when i want to have sex, when i want a hug, when i dont want a hug, when i want to cuddle, when i just want to hold his hand, when i want to go out to eat, when i want to just go for a walk, or even when i just want to talk. I have to bluntly say "I WANT...." and then he gets it..Instead of just obviously shivering on the couch wanting him to come over and lay with me so i can get warm, instead throws a blanket on me and says "better." --by the way: Im not!! Instead i have to say "LAY WITH ME!" and then you hear this "oh uh okay" as if they were caught off gaurd..Maybe i am wrong..maybe i still have ALOT to learn about men. But just the fact that next time im in a relationship i have to tell the guy "dont date, sleep, or have relations with any other girl BUT me..you are with me and only me, no one else" to me that is pathetic and a waste of words because in my opinion a guy should already know that when he is in a relationship it is closed...just DONT CHEAT!! its wrong..its annoying to hear about it on the phone with your best friend who just did it...its hurtful to the other person who does nothing but love you and then sleep with someone else...just messed up.

Emma Joyce-10 months old and growing

Everyone this beautiful amazing person I have in my arms in this picture is that of my daughter-Emma Joyce Schmidt. She is 10 months old now and is the person who keeps me motivated to keep going. She is who I look forward to seeing when i get home from work and school everyday. I have never seen the light in a little girls face light up so bright the moment she see's me. I have truely never felt so loved in all my life.

Parenting is not at all what i had expected it to be. Yes i knew it was hard but never THIS hard. The adjusting to my changed life was hard because I cant accept change, i like for things to stay just the way they are-in their place and always to stay IN their place. Before i had emma i had no patience, now-a-days, thats what im all about is patience. Before I was just trying to concure it, now im just taming it. does that make sense? hmm probably not but thats ok.

Emma Joyce will be 1 years old on August 23, 2010. A YEAR!!! my baby is growing up so fast and there is nothing i can do. I have become a little bit more lenient with change because she is cahnging EVERYDAY. Today she took 2 steps, although may seem like nothing to some, its HUGE to me. My baby is so close to walking and I cant hold her back and say "NO! you stay right where you are and dont move" now i will be saying that in the future but as of right now..dont grow! stay my baby..stay here where you have a clean slate, a blank canvas..stay here were you still love the world.

Let me tell you, children-babies-toddlers...they are all amazing! their minds are so unique and new...everything is amazing to them and all they have is love. maybe thats our problem as adults..we have to many problems in our lives and to many negative emotions..We just dont care about the little things in life..the simple things like fireflies, or the moon and stars, the way water feels in your hands. babies,toddlers, and children all are amazed by these small things in their lives and are happy just to get a ball on a string..Every day when emma discovers something new i join her and love it too. Even if i dont care much about it the love she has for something so bland is again-Amazing.

PUMPED UP!!!!

I have become a magnetic trap for low-class men in PA and I am currently trying my best to upgrade to middle and then push for upper-class. Why? Well because it just amazes me the way these guys think..Nothing is taken seriously, nothing is important. They have no goals, no values, they are men without any type of virtue, they have no care about anyone or anything.

It just amazes how they get by each day..Are they really happy living paycheck to paycheck? are they happy not having a good education? do they like where they live? have they ever wanted better?? and the last thing i think about is- Oh my gosh im gonna have to take care of him financially?

I know what i want for myself and emm and i can see my future clearly now and i dont see me living paycheck to paycheck..I dont see her and i struggling..I want to be a stay at home mom..dont make me do something just because you neglected to get your education. Rude? probably but think about it...I married you and as a man you need to go out and support YOUR family..im the wife my job is to stay home with the kids and keep the house in order so my man is happy..disagree all you want but thats the life i want and im not in any way going to turn out like my parents..working paycheck to paycheck and working 2 jobs just to get by each month.

My problem, however, has been that I am to accepting of EVERYONE. I believe God has given me the gift of compassion and unconditional love for everyone and everything. I dont judge, I get to know ppl before i place any criticism, I forgive ALWAYS, and my friends are wierd people. I feel God has giving me the gift of unconditional love because when someone does me wrong and although i am so mad at them when they appologize i forgive them with open arms and invite them back into my life..no questions asked, i give them my trust, and i love them as if nothing had happened..Is that wrong to be that way? maybe that is why i attracht low-class men because I just dont give a sh*t....maybe its about time i started to give 2 sh*ts and demand respect...i deserve respect and so does every woman inthe world...UGH!!! now im pumped up!!!!

Attitude...

im looking at my dads computer and there is a quote on it that i have fallin inlove with ill post it on here because i would love for you all to read it as well:

"the longer i live, the more i realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one thing we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how i react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes"

-charles swindoll

My baby girl

I love my daughter..

God has truely blessed me with a beautiful baby and i feel enormously blessed to have her in my life.. how fortunate am i to have such a good baby? and she really is a good baby only cries when she is hungry tied or needs changed..she sleeps good (4-5 hours each night) i am VERY VERYYY lucky..

I am happy to see that she looks like me and not her father..who is not in the picture..it wasnt his choosing it was mine..yes i no what you may be thinking --how can you do that to her, she needs a father in her life-- as that may be true please understand this [[some of you can]] as a mother we do whatever we can to make and keep our child(ren) safe from anything harmful..i felt his environment was harmful and i felt that the way he was raised he may teach her that its okay to be like that..and truthfully its not..dropping out of high school at 17 and moving out on your own when you can barely take care of yourself is not okay..working a seasonal job that has a high chance of firing you is not okay..brothers and fathers screaming at each other is not okay..Oprah always said "trust your inner voice" and through out my entire pregnancy my inner voice kept saying --this isnt a good idea nicole..dont share her..keep her with you at all times..be selfish-- and i was..even when i started to feel horrible i thought --you know what i am giving her the best life..i am giving her a safe home, faith, love, a good family to look up to..dont feel bad for him--

I would say that every day until i felt it [[not bad]] One day i didnt have to say it because he had done something that made the feelings stick..He had another baby 3 weeks after emma joyce was born!!! can you believe it?? for a moment i was upset because he lied to me [[cheated]] made me feel like bad for not letting him in..but he had another girl pregnant..i just felt gross like i should have never missed that beat i should have known..but we never really know its unexpected it is what it is and there is nothing i or anyone could do about it..stupid move on his part

sometimes in our lives we look up and pray for just a moment and ask God for strength and to guide us to where he wants us to go..Patience had become my best and worse friend. Patience is a verture i am currently trying to conquer but feel stressed when things dont come fast enough. God put patience in my life because he knew a good thing would come..im just waiting..i go about my days working, school, taking care of emma joyce and i wait..i have put my life in Gods hands and i feel whatever happens happens..its not my life anymore..its Gods life and he will lead me which ever way he pleases..if that means leading me to heaven [[so be it]] if it means leading me to the streets [[so be it]] its all him now and i trust God with all my heart..im just being patient and loving my little girl more and more..maybe thats what God is doing maybe he is putting ahold on other things to give me a chance to love and embrace my daughter..maybe God is allowing me to calm down..i need to calm down after a crazy year..

--patience is a vertue i am trying my best to conquer--

-nicole