hurt :-/

Growing up I learned to always be good to others. To treat others the way YOU would want to be treated. I never expected anyone to do anything for me except care or treat me any special way except respect. I dont want anything in return as far as money or gifts, just say "thank you" or invite me to tag along with you and your friends.

It is friday night and I am home. I am always home, because no one thinks to invite me to places. I dont go out anymore because people dont ask and that hurts ALOT. It hurts because I always help people out and I always try to be there for my friends when they need someone to talk to about ANYTHING. Yet, no one calls me to see how I am doing or calls to invite me to go out. Does everyone assume I dont go out anymore because I am a mom? Am I that horrible of a person that no one wants to hang out with me?

I have lost alot of confidence in myself because who should I be confident for? you? me? I dont shave my legs anymore because there is no one to impress. I know for a fact no one is going to be feeling me up anytime soon so why bother? I dont do my make up or my hair because I dont feel that i should especially with the way i feel.

The other day I was extremely upset and kept thinking about how alone I felt and how much better the world would be without me. I spoke to my friend and he said "do what makes you happy". Being a mom makes me happy, becoming a cosmetologist makes me happy, giving and being there for people makes me happy. Feeling alone obviously doesn't make me happy. I told him about how i just want someone there for me to tell me that everything is going to be "okay" and to just be my support. Maybe there was a misunderstanding but he assumed i meant a boyfriend when thats not what i want. Yes i would LOVE to be in a relationship right now but I am in no hurry to be in one. I just would like a dependable friend who is there for me. I love being the support but even the most supportive person needs someone to lean on too.

I just want someone ANYONE to give a shit and care about me just as much as I care about them. I would give my friends my lunch money if they came to school or work without food. I would help them with family, friend, or relationship issues. Give you that shoulder to lean on and that ear to scream into when all you feel like doing is venting. I am a good person who deserves to be around good people. I too deserve respect, but how much more do i need to give out before i can recieve any back??