why is it okay???

Sometimes situations come at you and its in those moments we actually count our blessings. My good friend told me the things her boyfriend says to her and she makes it out like its okay. Is it okay to call a woman a peice of shit? or to put her down for every wrong she's ever done? Make her feel like a failure everyday?

Why is that okay for all women to be treated like shit under a shoe? Maybe I am reacting like this because I never grew up with a Dad who spoke to my mom like that or treated her with such disrespect. Maybe I respect myself too much? But that still adds on my confusion as to why is it okay? Why is NOTHING being said about this or done? Its always silence because its "really none of our business and we shouldn't interfear with their business." Well when can we make it our business? when another woman is laying in a hospital bed bruised from head to toe all because she didnt make his food on time? No girl, no WOMAN, should have to be surrounded by that or even deserve that to begin with.

When I look back on my conversation I instantly feel blessed. I am blessed to have a Dad who shows respect and appreciation towards my mom. I feel blessed to have my Dad and brothers show me and teach me respect. I feel blessed to have never known abuse (verbally and mentally) I think about all the abused victims everyday and wonder- Will they survive? and when will they be saved? whose going to save them-the silent or the out spoken? Forever they stay deep within my prayers.

My daughter is another blessing I add to my list. She has opened my eyes and has made me realize what i deserve. I dont want my daughter bringing home a guy who treats her like nothing. Or talks to her like a dog. I am her example and she lives through me. I need to bring home the right guy for me so she can someday bring the right guy home for her. I mean how can any mother look away from harm towards her own child? Leave her falling when all she wants is someone to catch her. How can a mother be okay with the actions taking place. WHY IS IT OKAY????

I am stuck

I am stuck. Stuck in December 8, 2008 - The day I found out I was pregnant. Never have felt or carried such shame and utter disappointment. Oprah said to her Mother "let it go." That got me thinking-How do you let it go? How do you let shame go and move on looking forward to a better tomorrow? For me it is hard letting go of the shame and disappointment because he holds it above my head. I can feel it hovering over me like a darkened rain cloud just waiting and wanting to let its rain fall.

Everyday I look into the mirror and I examine my face, my body, my skin, and I just feel disgusted. I don't feel attractive or beautiful at all, especially after a mid 30 year old man just told me he is attracted to me. I hate my body and I know I can change that any time, anyday-but I don't because who am I going to impress? Apparently the 30+ year old men who honestly could give two shits about how they look let alone how I look. All my friends who have babies have found a boyfriend within the year of having their little ones. Whats wrong with me? I ask that to myself each time I look in the mirror and examine my face, my body, and my skin.

I am mentally sucidal. I'm smart enough not to attempt such a disaster but I'm dumb enough to think about it. I feel I am the problem child-I can always do wrong. Rarely do I make right and keep it that way. Someone a while a go said "If all my kids were like david we'd have more children." I knew this was a joke but it still, to this day, strikes a nerve everytime I think about it. Kinda makes me want to not exist just disappear only to never be seen again. Every morning when I open my eyes I literally hate myself and I carry with me a peice of the shame that hangs over my head. I have grown insecure, afraid of failure, depressed, and stuck. Stuck on the day December 8, 2008-The day I cant take back but carry with me always

take a step back and see me (poem)

If only you could see me the way that I see you,

maybe nothing would be lies maybe this could be true.

Cant you see me crying

everyday i feel like dying

because i feel invisible

im miserable

this feeling is unbareable

wake up in the morning and i remember how you feel

waiting for the person to knock you from your heel

take a step back look at me

this is want you want just waiting for you to see

solitude is your comfort

these walls are your peace

I know you've been through so much

your mom hates your guts

your girl left you for God only knows what

But im here

lettin you know my feelings for you is real

take a step back and see me

this is who i am and who i always will be

Yeah i know you need some time

get your self together then you'll be fine

But you see I've been the girl who gets kicked to the side

always find the one who wants to crawl away and hide

angry at the world

cuz he cant help but miss this girl

Im always the one who is too late

why am i the one who gets stabbed by this steak

you should be on your knees

praying to have me

I know what i want in life

and thats to someday be a wife

but i cant be that if i cant have you

this me and i am only speaking true

hurt :-/

Growing up I learned to always be good to others. To treat others the way YOU would want to be treated. I never expected anyone to do anything for me except care or treat me any special way except respect. I dont want anything in return as far as money or gifts, just say "thank you" or invite me to tag along with you and your friends.

It is friday night and I am home. I am always home, because no one thinks to invite me to places. I dont go out anymore because people dont ask and that hurts ALOT. It hurts because I always help people out and I always try to be there for my friends when they need someone to talk to about ANYTHING. Yet, no one calls me to see how I am doing or calls to invite me to go out. Does everyone assume I dont go out anymore because I am a mom? Am I that horrible of a person that no one wants to hang out with me?

I have lost alot of confidence in myself because who should I be confident for? you? me? I dont shave my legs anymore because there is no one to impress. I know for a fact no one is going to be feeling me up anytime soon so why bother? I dont do my make up or my hair because I dont feel that i should especially with the way i feel.

The other day I was extremely upset and kept thinking about how alone I felt and how much better the world would be without me. I spoke to my friend and he said "do what makes you happy". Being a mom makes me happy, becoming a cosmetologist makes me happy, giving and being there for people makes me happy. Feeling alone obviously doesn't make me happy. I told him about how i just want someone there for me to tell me that everything is going to be "okay" and to just be my support. Maybe there was a misunderstanding but he assumed i meant a boyfriend when thats not what i want. Yes i would LOVE to be in a relationship right now but I am in no hurry to be in one. I just would like a dependable friend who is there for me. I love being the support but even the most supportive person needs someone to lean on too.

I just want someone ANYONE to give a shit and care about me just as much as I care about them. I would give my friends my lunch money if they came to school or work without food. I would help them with family, friend, or relationship issues. Give you that shoulder to lean on and that ear to scream into when all you feel like doing is venting. I am a good person who deserves to be around good people. I too deserve respect, but how much more do i need to give out before i can recieve any back??

I can remember 14 months ago. Holding my emma joyce in the hospital room, just her and I, alone. I had no visitors. I had no nurses or doctors in the room. It was just me and my emma. As I was holding my daughter in my arms I began to study her. Amazed that this little person grew inside me. I observed every inch of her because I obviously never made something like this before. She was sleeping and she slept as if she had been sleeping in my arms forever, so at home-she was.

Then I took a moment, looked around the room, and it dawned on me. I am alone. family and friends came to visit but by the end of the day it is just emma and I. I had no boyfriend, no husband. I never felt so alone in all my life. Never have I felt so scared to be in a situation I had to embrace by myself. Never have I felt so unprotected from any force that could possibly knock me down. Even though I had always wanted to be a mom, never did I want it to be this way. I atleast wanted to be married first. How embarrassing it was to sit in a hospital room and be alone. No one could see me but I felt like I was center stage under the big light. How could I have been so careless? 'Till this day I have no answer to that.

Still holding my new born, daughter, in my arms i slowly began to cry. She came into this world and into a life I did not want her to be in. I wanted her to come into the world with a home, a mommy and a daddy, her own room. She did not have any of that..just a mommy and a home. But it's not her home its grandma and grandpas home. She has a room but its mommy's room too. Holding Emma Joyce, I gave her a hug, held a kiss to her forehead and the only thing I could say to my daughter was "I am so sorry."

DON'T CHEAT--plain and simple

Yesterday I called my best friend "tina". I could tell by the sound of her voice that something was on her mind. Something she just had to tell me but wasnt sure how to tell me. Instantly I had to find out what it was tina was trying to hide. She kept persisting that there was nothing to be told, I pushed on and kept asking "are you sure? cuz it sounds like there is." and sure enough-I was right.

You see, Tina has a boyfriend named mike, she loves her boyfriend much. Just the other day she told me they talk about getting married a couple years down the road. So when Tina told me that she had cheated on Mike, I was dumbfounded. It made no sense to me that this girl c0uld cheat on this man she "claims" to love and want to spend the rest of her life with. I was extremely disappointed in her choices. I told Tina that she needs to get her act together and tell mike what she did. She said she doesnt want to, and that makes me think again...How can you knowingly hurt someone and just move on without it eating you from the inside out? Does tina have no heart with this situation? In my opinion if tina is so scared of the consequences then she shouldnt have cheated.

Later on that day (haha) I was talking to my mom about tina and the WHOLE story. My dad was in the same room and just had to put in his two cents. Right when I said Tina cheated on Mike. My dad said "whats it matter? they arent married" Which i disagreed with..In my opinion whether you are married or not cheating still hurts and it is still a lost of trust. He then persisted to say that unless you tell the guy if this is an open or closed relationships he has free raine to date whom ever he pleases..this made me realize how completely simple men are made to be.

I have noticed that alot of men (not all) require that we women point out the obvious or just point blank say what we want or how we feel because men cant tell the difference. I have to tell a man when I love him, when i want to have sex, when i want a hug, when i dont want a hug, when i want to cuddle, when i just want to hold his hand, when i want to go out to eat, when i want to just go for a walk, or even when i just want to talk. I have to bluntly say "I WANT...." and then he gets it..Instead of just obviously shivering on the couch wanting him to come over and lay with me so i can get warm, instead throws a blanket on me and says "better." --by the way: Im not!! Instead i have to say "LAY WITH ME!" and then you hear this "oh uh okay" as if they were caught off gaurd..Maybe i am wrong..maybe i still have ALOT to learn about men. But just the fact that next time im in a relationship i have to tell the guy "dont date, sleep, or have relations with any other girl BUT me..you are with me and only me, no one else" to me that is pathetic and a waste of words because in my opinion a guy should already know that when he is in a relationship it is closed...just DONT CHEAT!! its wrong..its annoying to hear about it on the phone with your best friend who just did it...its hurtful to the other person who does nothing but love you and then sleep with someone else...just messed up.

Emma Joyce-10 months old and growing

Everyone this beautiful amazing person I have in my arms in this picture is that of my daughter-Emma Joyce Schmidt. She is 10 months old now and is the person who keeps me motivated to keep going. She is who I look forward to seeing when i get home from work and school everyday. I have never seen the light in a little girls face light up so bright the moment she see's me. I have truely never felt so loved in all my life.

Parenting is not at all what i had expected it to be. Yes i knew it was hard but never THIS hard. The adjusting to my changed life was hard because I cant accept change, i like for things to stay just the way they are-in their place and always to stay IN their place. Before i had emma i had no patience, now-a-days, thats what im all about is patience. Before I was just trying to concure it, now im just taming it. does that make sense? hmm probably not but thats ok.

Emma Joyce will be 1 years old on August 23, 2010. A YEAR!!! my baby is growing up so fast and there is nothing i can do. I have become a little bit more lenient with change because she is cahnging EVERYDAY. Today she took 2 steps, although may seem like nothing to some, its HUGE to me. My baby is so close to walking and I cant hold her back and say "NO! you stay right where you are and dont move" now i will be saying that in the future but as of right now..dont grow! stay my baby..stay here where you have a clean slate, a blank canvas..stay here were you still love the world.

Let me tell you, children-babies-toddlers...they are all amazing! their minds are so unique and new...everything is amazing to them and all they have is love. maybe thats our problem as adults..we have to many problems in our lives and to many negative emotions..We just dont care about the little things in life..the simple things like fireflies, or the moon and stars, the way water feels in your hands. babies,toddlers, and children all are amazed by these small things in their lives and are happy just to get a ball on a string..Every day when emma discovers something new i join her and love it too. Even if i dont care much about it the love she has for something so bland is again-Amazing.