Sometimes I would much rather walk alone. I have spent years and years trying to find that friend that everyone talks about. The friend that has seen you through your worse of days and the best of days. The one who is always welcomed in your home by your family because they have treated you the way a true friend should.

I will speak on behalf of alot of people when I say how frustrating it is giving someone everything you have and more and getting nothing in return. You begin to question yourself-whats wrong with me? Why do I give so much and they give nothing? Am I just meant to be alone for the rest of my life?

Those questions may make one depressed but we can not help but think about it. I am sure millions of men and women, boys and girls, have all thought of the main question-Whats wrong with me? We always end up blaming ourselves because the one person we love and do so much for has done no wrong. They themselves are the ones to blame-NOT you! People who care about others and give them all they can without complaining are never to blame.

Maybe that is God's way of putting you first in your thoughts before anyone else when you instantly wonder what is wrong with you. You know there is nothing wrong with you. You certainly have done nothing wrong.

All we want is someone to walk with us on our lives journey. We want to know that when we look to our right there is someone standing there preparing to catch us if we trip or be there for moral support through the way. That is a dream and a wish for alot of people who have spent most of their life alone wondering in the dark. This is reality, the truth that never seems to fail us. Reality, this is just the way it is, tells you to just move on by yourself. Make sure you got your ipod fully charged, put on your comfortable cloths, and button up that jacket you had hangin in the closet for so long. Put it on and go on your way. Your journey begins the moment you let go of all the people in your life who never cared the way you cared about them. This is your moment to walk with the only person you can trust with your deepest darkest secrets, accept their every flaw, dream of things way beyond their years. Now is your time to walk with- YOU!

grasp

I had his grasp. I could feel his palm sweating in mine and a held on for dear life. He was amazed by my strength and commitment I had when it came to holding his hand. Half a world away I grasped his hand as if he was standing right next to me. I never wanted to let go, for a while I had never had a grasp this good before. My hand was comfortable and I was happy right were I was. Consumed in my own bliss.
But I had an itch that I couldnt ignore. A haunting it was the longer I tried to ignore it. My other hand was full of my own lifes things. Why couldnt this itch just disappear and he see that I'm happy? Can't he just except that for once in my life that I have a firm hold on something that means everything and more to me? Hesitation over flowed my body, i removed my grasp, only to follow that one commandment rule. Took care of the itch and when I went back to grasp that perfect hand I had found it didn't feel quite the same.
He isnt amazed by my strength or my commitment, infact, he believes I lack them both. I want to let go, I've never hated a grasp so much in my life. I've changed everything about this amazing grasp I once had. That itch just had to jump in and remove me from my bliss. I'll attempt to hold his hand, but a sudden jerk the hand tells me I shouldnt.

why is it okay???

Sometimes situations come at you and its in those moments we actually count our blessings. My good friend told me the things her boyfriend says to her and she makes it out like its okay. Is it okay to call a woman a peice of shit? or to put her down for every wrong she's ever done? Make her feel like a failure everyday?

Why is that okay for all women to be treated like shit under a shoe? Maybe I am reacting like this because I never grew up with a Dad who spoke to my mom like that or treated her with such disrespect. Maybe I respect myself too much? But that still adds on my confusion as to why is it okay? Why is NOTHING being said about this or done? Its always silence because its "really none of our business and we shouldn't interfear with their business." Well when can we make it our business? when another woman is laying in a hospital bed bruised from head to toe all because she didnt make his food on time? No girl, no WOMAN, should have to be surrounded by that or even deserve that to begin with.

When I look back on my conversation I instantly feel blessed. I am blessed to have a Dad who shows respect and appreciation towards my mom. I feel blessed to have my Dad and brothers show me and teach me respect. I feel blessed to have never known abuse (verbally and mentally) I think about all the abused victims everyday and wonder- Will they survive? and when will they be saved? whose going to save them-the silent or the out spoken? Forever they stay deep within my prayers.

My daughter is another blessing I add to my list. She has opened my eyes and has made me realize what i deserve. I dont want my daughter bringing home a guy who treats her like nothing. Or talks to her like a dog. I am her example and she lives through me. I need to bring home the right guy for me so she can someday bring the right guy home for her. I mean how can any mother look away from harm towards her own child? Leave her falling when all she wants is someone to catch her. How can a mother be okay with the actions taking place. WHY IS IT OKAY????

I am stuck

I am stuck. Stuck in December 8, 2008 - The day I found out I was pregnant. Never have felt or carried such shame and utter disappointment. Oprah said to her Mother "let it go." That got me thinking-How do you let it go? How do you let shame go and move on looking forward to a better tomorrow? For me it is hard letting go of the shame and disappointment because he holds it above my head. I can feel it hovering over me like a darkened rain cloud just waiting and wanting to let its rain fall.

Everyday I look into the mirror and I examine my face, my body, my skin, and I just feel disgusted. I don't feel attractive or beautiful at all, especially after a mid 30 year old man just told me he is attracted to me. I hate my body and I know I can change that any time, anyday-but I don't because who am I going to impress? Apparently the 30+ year old men who honestly could give two shits about how they look let alone how I look. All my friends who have babies have found a boyfriend within the year of having their little ones. Whats wrong with me? I ask that to myself each time I look in the mirror and examine my face, my body, and my skin.

I am mentally sucidal. I'm smart enough not to attempt such a disaster but I'm dumb enough to think about it. I feel I am the problem child-I can always do wrong. Rarely do I make right and keep it that way. Someone a while a go said "If all my kids were like david we'd have more children." I knew this was a joke but it still, to this day, strikes a nerve everytime I think about it. Kinda makes me want to not exist just disappear only to never be seen again. Every morning when I open my eyes I literally hate myself and I carry with me a peice of the shame that hangs over my head. I have grown insecure, afraid of failure, depressed, and stuck. Stuck on the day December 8, 2008-The day I cant take back but carry with me always

take a step back and see me (poem)

If only you could see me the way that I see you,

maybe nothing would be lies maybe this could be true.

Cant you see me crying

everyday i feel like dying

because i feel invisible

im miserable

this feeling is unbareable

wake up in the morning and i remember how you feel

waiting for the person to knock you from your heel

take a step back look at me

this is want you want just waiting for you to see

solitude is your comfort

these walls are your peace

I know you've been through so much

your mom hates your guts

your girl left you for God only knows what

But im here

lettin you know my feelings for you is real

take a step back and see me

this is who i am and who i always will be

Yeah i know you need some time

get your self together then you'll be fine

But you see I've been the girl who gets kicked to the side

always find the one who wants to crawl away and hide

angry at the world

cuz he cant help but miss this girl

Im always the one who is too late

why am i the one who gets stabbed by this steak

you should be on your knees

praying to have me

I know what i want in life

and thats to someday be a wife

but i cant be that if i cant have you

this me and i am only speaking true

hurt :-/

Growing up I learned to always be good to others. To treat others the way YOU would want to be treated. I never expected anyone to do anything for me except care or treat me any special way except respect. I dont want anything in return as far as money or gifts, just say "thank you" or invite me to tag along with you and your friends.

It is friday night and I am home. I am always home, because no one thinks to invite me to places. I dont go out anymore because people dont ask and that hurts ALOT. It hurts because I always help people out and I always try to be there for my friends when they need someone to talk to about ANYTHING. Yet, no one calls me to see how I am doing or calls to invite me to go out. Does everyone assume I dont go out anymore because I am a mom? Am I that horrible of a person that no one wants to hang out with me?

I have lost alot of confidence in myself because who should I be confident for? you? me? I dont shave my legs anymore because there is no one to impress. I know for a fact no one is going to be feeling me up anytime soon so why bother? I dont do my make up or my hair because I dont feel that i should especially with the way i feel.

The other day I was extremely upset and kept thinking about how alone I felt and how much better the world would be without me. I spoke to my friend and he said "do what makes you happy". Being a mom makes me happy, becoming a cosmetologist makes me happy, giving and being there for people makes me happy. Feeling alone obviously doesn't make me happy. I told him about how i just want someone there for me to tell me that everything is going to be "okay" and to just be my support. Maybe there was a misunderstanding but he assumed i meant a boyfriend when thats not what i want. Yes i would LOVE to be in a relationship right now but I am in no hurry to be in one. I just would like a dependable friend who is there for me. I love being the support but even the most supportive person needs someone to lean on too.

I just want someone ANYONE to give a shit and care about me just as much as I care about them. I would give my friends my lunch money if they came to school or work without food. I would help them with family, friend, or relationship issues. Give you that shoulder to lean on and that ear to scream into when all you feel like doing is venting. I am a good person who deserves to be around good people. I too deserve respect, but how much more do i need to give out before i can recieve any back??

I can remember 14 months ago. Holding my emma joyce in the hospital room, just her and I, alone. I had no visitors. I had no nurses or doctors in the room. It was just me and my emma. As I was holding my daughter in my arms I began to study her. Amazed that this little person grew inside me. I observed every inch of her because I obviously never made something like this before. She was sleeping and she slept as if she had been sleeping in my arms forever, so at home-she was.

Then I took a moment, looked around the room, and it dawned on me. I am alone. family and friends came to visit but by the end of the day it is just emma and I. I had no boyfriend, no husband. I never felt so alone in all my life. Never have I felt so scared to be in a situation I had to embrace by myself. Never have I felt so unprotected from any force that could possibly knock me down. Even though I had always wanted to be a mom, never did I want it to be this way. I atleast wanted to be married first. How embarrassing it was to sit in a hospital room and be alone. No one could see me but I felt like I was center stage under the big light. How could I have been so careless? 'Till this day I have no answer to that.

Still holding my new born, daughter, in my arms i slowly began to cry. She came into this world and into a life I did not want her to be in. I wanted her to come into the world with a home, a mommy and a daddy, her own room. She did not have any of that..just a mommy and a home. But it's not her home its grandma and grandpas home. She has a room but its mommy's room too. Holding Emma Joyce, I gave her a hug, held a kiss to her forehead and the only thing I could say to my daughter was "I am so sorry."