Perfect Strangers

In the moments when we feel so low about ourselves, to the point of death, someone walks in and....Saves us. They say things that are exactly what we need to hear. Sometimes these things are exactly what we never felt anyone would understand. Hellen Keller once said " I would much rather walk with someone in the dark, rather than walk alone in the light." Find the person who will stick around through all of your trials and sufferings, your darkest moments. Find someone who truly understands how you are feeling and says things that mean so much to you. Even if it is something small like "I love you". Sometimes knowing you are loved is truly just enough.

You are not the only one who hears youself crying. God hears you crying. So when you think for a second "I dont want anyone to see me cry." well guess what....Someone is seeing you cry. God is there and he is hearing your plea for an answer, for sanctuary, for something to hold your head above water.

Here's a thought; lets think about this for a second. Ever wonder why we have soul-mates? or Best friends? Well, here's my thought on it. We all want to be 100%, to feel we have control over everything that we are happy on our own terms. Well, sorry, can't happen on your own. We may be able to get to feeling 50% but never 100%. Reason is this, God brings these people into our lives to help us feel better about ourselves, to improve our flaws. He brings strangers into our lives to.....complete us. We all live in a world where are happiest moment is when we feel completed. But you cannot do it on your own.

So today, walk past your fears and ask that girl to go out for some drinks, get to know her cuz she might be everything you're looking for. Hang out with that guy in class who was always so nice to you, he might be the best friend you always needed. We cannot find happiness alone.

untitled...

I usually have a picture with my blogs. But this blog is different. Its different because it's going to be reaching out in different directions and grabbing people in different ways. So, truthfully, there is really no picture fit for this blog. You have to place the picture. This very well may be my longest, deepest, most honest blog I've written. But if you read it and understand where I am coming from then maybe, just maybe, you will wake up tomorrow a new person. This could be someones answer, or a wake up call to someone living a lie. So get something to eat, drink, take a bathroom break, sit down, get your reading glasses on if you need them, and hold on. This my friends is going to be one hell of a ride. Let's begin:

Let's start with the most important person. The person reading this-You. Lets begin this with you. Every thought should begin with you. How do you feel? not how your family feels, or your child(ren), or your spouse. How do YOU feel? sometimes we have to ask ourselves that question. It doesn't make you a bad person for thinking "ok, how do I feel today?" It doesn't make you selfish. It doesn't mean you don't care about anyone else. It just shows how much you value you. How important YOU are in this world. If you feel down and all you can think are negative feelings, then maybe YOU need to change that. What is making you feel that way and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Your problems wont just go away unless you do something about it. Don't make excuses for why you don't ask how you are feeling. I know how you moms out there work. My mom and I do the same thing, we think of our children first. And that's okay, really it is. But sometimes you have to put the kids to the side for just a moment. Timmy will be just fine not being your first prioty for 5 minutes. If Timmy feels bad, sad, good, bad, happy, Timmy will tell you. He has a mouth and he can use his words. If he is an infant, Timmy will cry or sleep. Same goes for your husbands or wives. They can tell you how they feel but if all you hear is silence from them then now is the time to focus on YOU.

When you TRUTHFULLY realize how you feel. Ask yourselves this question-Am I happy? and if you're not then ask yourselves this-How can I get happy? What is making me unhappy? Find the root to your problems and dig it out. You don't need that negative root taking up all the water from all those good roots. Sometimes people hold on to a moment that hurt them the most. It sticks with them and the story ends up making them into this person. But that story should not hold you back. When we finish reading a book, we close it up and put it on its shelf. We know that book is there, but we pay no mind to it. That's the same with our problems. Once they are over and done with we need to close them up and put them on the shelf. We finished it, its been completed, there should be no reason for why you continue to turn those pages and be reminded of everything all over again. Why linger? Move on. Six letters, 2 words, easy to say, hard to do. But we can do it. YOU can do it. You can move on from whatever brings you down. At this moment, whatever that moment may be for you, YOU can be happy. It's not impossible to feel incredible happiness. To feel as if nothing can ever bring you down. To be happy for absolutely no reason at all. Someone asks you "Why are you so happy?" and you responde "I don't know, just am." That, is a great feeling. You need to either remove your problems if they are already solved and move on. If your problems have yet to be solved, then you need to resolve them and feel relieved. How wonderful of a feeling is that? Feeling relieved, accomplished, solved.

Happiness is alot like the feeling "Love". There really is no true meaning to it. Everyone has their own definition of "happiness" and their own definition of "love". Love and happiness both mean the same thing. It's waking up every morning and feeling blessed for the people in your life. Happiness and Love is doing things for others and not expecting anything in return. Happiness and Love is having no answer as to why you are feeling that way. Happiness and Love does not make you cry because HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT! Happiness and Love does not make you feel so low about yourself that waking up in the morning is absolute torchure. When you are unhappy and have no love you have an answer to when people ask "why are you feeling that way?" You are worthy of every Happiness and Love the world has to offer you. Take a moment, right now (its okay i allow you to take a break from reading), and look at your life. Examine your room, look at your child(ren), and think about your life. How has it been so far? How is your relationship? Is it what you've always wanted it to be? Can you look at your life and say TRUTHFULLY, I am happy, I love my life? If your happiness and love is not at the level you wish it was at then maybe YOU need to do something about it. Let go of that kodak moment you have in your mind. Let me smack this in your face-I appologize if this hurts but sometimes thats just how the truth feels. YOU WILL NEVER GET THAT MOMENT BACK. It is in the past. That picture you have of a once perfect man or woman is in the past. Stop holding on to someone that is not willing to change for you. Stop setting yourself up for disappointment. Its not worth it to you. You are worth so much more than that. You deserve great things. Great people deserve great things.

There is a lot of bad things in the world today. Bad things happen to us everyday but its finding the positive in it thats the hardest. How is that even possible? You just lost the love of your life, how do you find a positive in that? You just lost your job, how do you find a positive in that? Sometimes, you can't at first. But you look at the things you have in your life right now and you count your blessings. Yes the love of your life is gone but you are still here, your healthy, your family loves you (not many people have that), you are a beautiful person. Yes you lost your job but maybe this is an opportunity to know your kids if you have them, atleast a job is all you lost. Some people lose literally everything and a job just isnt enough to bring it back.

Smile today, tell someone you love them, ask yourself "How am I feeling?" Fix yourself before you worry about everyone else. Everyone will do just fine not having your undivided attention for 5 minutes. Sometimes YOU need the most attention, because how you feel affects your day and the people around you. If you see someone sad tell them you love them and tell them they are important enough. You are enough for this world. You mean so much to me and I love you.

forced

Have you ever laid in bed and dreaded the thought of leaving it? It felt so comfortable and safe. Nothing could go wrong if you just stayed hidden beneith your covers. An area of blissful solitude. But, you have to get up. There is a reason for why you must leave your solitude of bliss. You see, we are always doing things for a reason. There is a reason why you got out of bed this morning. You didn't have to, but you did. You got out of bed because who else is going to do it? the only person who can do it is you; so it has to get completed.

This is much like depression. Depression is like your bed. You could lay in that depression all day if you wanted to. Actually some stay in their depression for years. Hiding themselves from the world because there is nothing to get up for. There is always something or someone to get up for. Something or someone to force you out of depression. There are people and things in this world that need you. No one else can do it but YOU. You lay in that depression and assume this world is better without you. What's the point of getting out of bed, no one needs you? Someone does. You will be forever needed. Even if it turns out to be someone you never met, they need you.

Being needed is a lot better than being wanted.

I understand what it's like to completely hate yourself and the world around you. I understand what it's like to feel as if nothing you do is good enough. I understand feeling like a failure in a room full of accomplished people. I know what it feels like to lay in bed and dread the thought of having to leave it. Dreading the thought of facing the world one more time. Sometimes people will say to you that they understand what you're feeling, take their word for it. They really do understand how you feel. You're not the only one who feels this way or thinks the way that you do. Someone else thinks and feels the same way you do. God did not put us on this earth in hopes that we would all have our own thoughts and feelings; that no one would understand each other. We have these similar thoughts and feelings so we can come together and become stronger. It is impossible to built strength on your own. Everyone needs someone to help build them up. Even if it is someone who hasn't reached the age of 2. That little person can strengthen you. No one can stand alone and if anyone has ever told you they did and got strong from it- They lied. This world needs YOU! like I said before, its a lot better to be needed than wanted. Don't you agree?

Dear Jenna

I can't say I've ever in my life dealt with a death so close as the one you're dealing with now. I can't say I have ever felt that horrid pain you speak about, nor do I ever wish to feel it. I can, however, say that I understand. And if I don't, then please help me to understand because I would like to be there for you.

God can allow some pretty nasty things to happen in our lives. Its really unfair that the one person who is suppose to be there for us isn't and that sucks. It really sucks that the one ultamite being we depended on is undependable. You just want to scream and God because he controls who stays and who goes. Why couldnt he have sent down his gaurdian angels to protect connor that night? I've said this to you once and I'll say it again. If you want to be mad at anyone, then be mad at God--He can handle it. Sometimes God puts obsticles in our path that seem so unfair and mean but he does it for a reason and its figuring out that meaning--That's tough. It's tough because no one wants to waste time figuring out anything when this whole time they thought they had everything figured out in the first place. There is a reason for why we are here on this earth. Why God has given each of us this thing we call life. There is a reason for why he takes it also.

Jenna I wish that I could take away this pain. It breaks my heart seeing my best friend feel such pain that truely should never be felt by anyone. When you lay awake at night crying because you feel alone, mad, or even sad. Just know that someone out there under those same stars is laying awake with you, is mad with you, and is feeling sad with you. I may not have known Connor but from what you speak of he seemed like a great guy. You will find that Connor again. He is out there waiting for you so he can sweep you off your feet just like Connor did. When your ready and you let him Connor will lead you straight into happiness. What kind of guy would he be if he didnt?

Don't ever try and stand alone. The worse thing you can do for yourself is standing alone through something so tough. Even the strongest man in the world needs some assistance. I may be unsteardy myself and have some problems of my own but if we lean on each other then we can gain strength together. I'm not here to solve your problems just support through them. I can't make you feel better, but I can try to give you reason to wake up in the morning. I cant take away your past, but I can try and give you a great future. I can't erase the pain, but I can try and help you deal with it.

Jenna, you are and forever will be my best friend. We met late in life, but I'm blessed to have met you this way. At least I realize how blessed I am to have you in my life. You are an amazing girl. You have shown me that not every girl out there is a bitch. You have taught me many things even if you think you havent. I am always here for you through thick and thin. No one deserves to stand alone. YOU dont deserve to stand alone, and I wont allow it. Please stay strong and if you need someone to talk to you know my number. If you need someone to lean on you know my address. Dont hesitate for a second.

love you always,

nik

All Girls Talk!!!!

It is okay for me to say that we do not fully know our friends. It is also okay for me to point out that our friends dont fully know us.

We always think we know our friends and its not until years down the road we learn the truth. It sucks when we discover that the one person we convided in has been passing your secrets around as jokes. All of a sudden you feel stupid, alone, and confused. How could you have missed it? You sit back and you dysec every inch of your friendship that you've developed with these people and every bit of it is a lie. It is all a lie. Did they ever like you? Was this friendship at all valuable to them as it was to you?

When I was 6 I had moved to Butler and I met a little girl named Anna. Anna and I would play every day and for the first time I had a friend, a best friend. When we weren't playing we talked on the phone. I called her every day, a security it was having someone else to talk to. It wasnt until 16 years later I learned Anna never cared about my friendship. Actually she never even wanted it. Because of one "friend" I instantly looked at my whole line of friends and I wondered if any of my other friends felt this way. I tried to figure out what it was i did wrong so I could fix it. I never wanted to have a friend who felt the same way Anna did. I think if I was more secure with myself I wouldnt feel the need to evaluate my own life and my friendships.

If I could teach my daughter one thing it is this; That girls will ALWAYS talk. It truely doesnt matter what type of girl you are, you will always talk. Alot of the time these girls who speak negative words on other girls sometimes strive for distraction from their own insecurities. When you are secure with your faith, your family, yourself- you waste no time speaking negative words about others.

We will never FULLY understand why some of us girls open our mouths on personal situations that are truely none of our business. Its hard not having answers for that but there is truely no answers for it because all girls are different. Sometimes we just cant help but spill others secrets and sometimes we spill to cover up our insecurities.

Some girls are over-weight and just have to talk about how Jane is so ugly and how her clothes come from a thrift store. And some girls born stupid feel the need to pass around deep conversations of their friends in hopes to develop inside jokes to disguise their ignorance. It isnt until you are sitting between the two beasts as they laugh histarically at their inside joke that you dont quite get. You try to figure it out but just feel stupid for sitting their in silence.

So I end this with advice for ALL girls. With insecurities and no insecurties, to keep your mouth closed. Take time to shut your mouth and fix yourself. Before you begin to turn your back on the people who have been good friends to you, Think before you speak. Think about what it is you are about to let slip past your lips and if its worth it then go about it but if risking your friendship isnt worth it then you may need to become aquainted with silence. Silence really says a whole lot about how you value your friends secrets.

" I can't wait to leave this house!!!!"

Do you remember saying that before you left? Leaving is easy. Staying gone is hard.

Your life is chaotic and it's constantly full of stress. Constantly feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders because your boyfriend/girlfriend wont talk to you.Your parents are always on your case and your siblings NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE! So a vacation is in need. You wont miss a thing when you leave infact you might not come back. Why would you come back to this ugly mess.

Day one of your vacation: Peace consumes every inch of your body. The feeling of freedom is odd. You spend time with your friends, you site see, you take alots of pictures, and you sleep alone-FOR ONCE!!

Day 4 of your vacation: You do some more site seeing on your vacation and it is at that moment you think "my mom would love seeing this." Everything you see, touch, smell, or taste reminds you of home. Suddenly that comsumption of peace throughout your body grows dimmer and the feeling of freedom, well, you'd rather do without.

On your way home. Standing outside the care looking up at this place you once dreaded and once called an "ugly mess" now looks like a beautiful disaster. The weight of the world doesnt seem so bad. Think about it, people in Haiti could honestly give two shits about your relationship problems. Suddenly you feel blessed to have your parents up your ass every second of the day and as far as your siblings go..Atleast you have siblings. Going home never felt so good or looked so beautiful.

I believe that sometimes people view vacations all wrong. Is it relaxing? yes of course. But is a vacation suppose to make you miss home? Is vacation suppose to bring you down midway through it? Maybe a vacation was someones idea to give people an opportunity to take a step back and really check out your own life. Count those blessings you keep skipping over everyday. Make the situations that frustrate you into your blessing. Maybe when you are at peace with your own life then it is easier to take a vacation and enjoy every single day your there.

It was only just a dream

Once I had this dream. I dreamed I was getting married. I saw my white dress that fit me like a glove and the bridesmaids looked beautiful in their gold silk dresses. Some had their hair up, others down. They began to walk, 10 red roses each in their hands, down the candle lit isle. I saw my Dad standing next to me preparing to walk his only daughter down the isle that stood before us. My Future was at the end of this isle. Standing at the beginning of the isle my dad leans in and whispers "You ready?" I didn't feel ready but my feet told me I was as I began to walk that candle lit isle. I saw My families faces, saw their clothes, their hair, and even their smiles. I saw the priest as he awaited my arrival, he was a pro by now. And then there he was, my groom, Stood in a black and white tux. I couldn't see his face, I didn't have to. In my dream I felt like I loved him.

I often think about that dream and wonder who that man was standing at the end of the isle. When I go on dates or meet guys I begin to like, I put their faces to mysterious groom in my dream- It never quite fits. Then I start to think- What if there is no mystery? Maybe he doesn't exist. I shouldn't think like that, but it's hard not to when every woman I know who has a baby finds a man before her next breath.

Is it me? I ask guys this all the time and I feel they know the truth but have the fear of telling me it. I wish guys would just give me a chance to really show who I am. I wish they could see me the way my friends and family see me. I don't ask for much, I just want someone I can depend on. Someone to show my daughter the way a guy SHOULD treat a woman. I'd like respect. The more alone I am and the more I think about the guy I want in my life, the more I come to grasp that it may not happen. I may just be alone for the rest of my life. Just me and my daughter.

I often think about that dream because finally a man wanted me enough to marry me. This isn't depressing and this isnt a cry out for attention. I hear my friends tell me "you'll find someone soon." Mean while they are already on their 5th relationship and I can't even start 1. I just want to know if its me or not. Id like to love someone, I think I could be really good at loving someone, if given the chance. I know I'd make a great girlfriend and I know I'd make an amazing wife. I just want a chance, I'm tired of always getting the short end of the stick. I'm tired of waiting and being patient. I don't want to accept loneliness.