I love my daughter..
God has truely blessed me with a beautiful baby and i feel enormously blessed to have her in my life.. how fortunate am i to have such a good baby? and she really is a good baby only cries when she is hungry tied or needs changed..she sleeps good (4-5 hours each night) i am VERY VERYYY lucky..
I am happy to see that she looks like me and not her father..who is not in the picture..it wasnt his choosing it was mine..yes i no what you may be thinking --how can you do that to her, she needs a father in her life-- as that may be true please understand this [[some of you can]] as a mother we do whatever we can to make and keep our child(ren) safe from anything harmful..i felt his environment was harmful and i felt that the way he was raised he may teach her that its okay to be like that..and truthfully its not..dropping out of high school at 17 and moving out on your own when you can barely take care of yourself is not okay..working a seasonal job that has a high chance of firing you is not okay..brothers and fathers screaming at each other is not okay..Oprah always said "trust your inner voice" and through out my entire pregnancy my inner voice kept saying --this isnt a good idea nicole..dont share her..keep her with you at all times..be selfish-- and i was..even when i started to feel horrible i thought --you know what i am giving her the best life..i am giving her a safe home, faith, love, a good family to look up to..dont feel bad for him--
I would say that every day until i felt it [[not bad]] One day i didnt have to say it because he had done something that made the feelings stick..He had another baby 3 weeks after emma joyce was born!!! can you believe it?? for a moment i was upset because he lied to me [[cheated]] made me feel like bad for not letting him in..but he had another girl pregnant..i just felt gross like i should have never missed that beat i should have known..but we never really know its unexpected it is what it is and there is nothing i or anyone could do about it..stupid move on his part
sometimes in our lives we look up and pray for just a moment and ask God for strength and to guide us to where he wants us to go..Patience had become my best and worse friend. Patience is a verture i am currently trying to conquer but feel stressed when things dont come fast enough. God put patience in my life because he knew a good thing would come..im just waiting..i go about my days working, school, taking care of emma joyce and i wait..i have put my life in Gods hands and i feel whatever happens happens..its not my life anymore..its Gods life and he will lead me which ever way he pleases..if that means leading me to heaven [[so be it]] if it means leading me to the streets [[so be it]] its all him now and i trust God with all my heart..im just being patient and loving my little girl more and more..maybe thats what God is doing maybe he is putting ahold on other things to give me a chance to love and embrace my daughter..maybe God is allowing me to calm down..i need to calm down after a crazy year..
--patience is a vertue i am trying my best to conquer--
-nicole
