I am stuck

I am stuck. Stuck in December 8, 2008 - The day I found out I was pregnant. Never have felt or carried such shame and utter disappointment. Oprah said to her Mother "let it go." That got me thinking-How do you let it go? How do you let shame go and move on looking forward to a better tomorrow? For me it is hard letting go of the shame and disappointment because he holds it above my head. I can feel it hovering over me like a darkened rain cloud just waiting and wanting to let its rain fall.

Everyday I look into the mirror and I examine my face, my body, my skin, and I just feel disgusted. I don't feel attractive or beautiful at all, especially after a mid 30 year old man just told me he is attracted to me. I hate my body and I know I can change that any time, anyday-but I don't because who am I going to impress? Apparently the 30+ year old men who honestly could give two shits about how they look let alone how I look. All my friends who have babies have found a boyfriend within the year of having their little ones. Whats wrong with me? I ask that to myself each time I look in the mirror and examine my face, my body, and my skin.

I am mentally sucidal. I'm smart enough not to attempt such a disaster but I'm dumb enough to think about it. I feel I am the problem child-I can always do wrong. Rarely do I make right and keep it that way. Someone a while a go said "If all my kids were like david we'd have more children." I knew this was a joke but it still, to this day, strikes a nerve everytime I think about it. Kinda makes me want to not exist just disappear only to never be seen again. Every morning when I open my eyes I literally hate myself and I carry with me a peice of the shame that hangs over my head. I have grown insecure, afraid of failure, depressed, and stuck. Stuck on the day December 8, 2008-The day I cant take back but carry with me always