" I can't wait to leave this house!!!!"

Do you remember saying that before you left? Leaving is easy. Staying gone is hard.

Your life is chaotic and it's constantly full of stress. Constantly feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders because your boyfriend/girlfriend wont talk to you.Your parents are always on your case and your siblings NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE! So a vacation is in need. You wont miss a thing when you leave infact you might not come back. Why would you come back to this ugly mess.

Day one of your vacation: Peace consumes every inch of your body. The feeling of freedom is odd. You spend time with your friends, you site see, you take alots of pictures, and you sleep alone-FOR ONCE!!

Day 4 of your vacation: You do some more site seeing on your vacation and it is at that moment you think "my mom would love seeing this." Everything you see, touch, smell, or taste reminds you of home. Suddenly that comsumption of peace throughout your body grows dimmer and the feeling of freedom, well, you'd rather do without.

On your way home. Standing outside the care looking up at this place you once dreaded and once called an "ugly mess" now looks like a beautiful disaster. The weight of the world doesnt seem so bad. Think about it, people in Haiti could honestly give two shits about your relationship problems. Suddenly you feel blessed to have your parents up your ass every second of the day and as far as your siblings go..Atleast you have siblings. Going home never felt so good or looked so beautiful.

I believe that sometimes people view vacations all wrong. Is it relaxing? yes of course. But is a vacation suppose to make you miss home? Is vacation suppose to bring you down midway through it? Maybe a vacation was someones idea to give people an opportunity to take a step back and really check out your own life. Count those blessings you keep skipping over everyday. Make the situations that frustrate you into your blessing. Maybe when you are at peace with your own life then it is easier to take a vacation and enjoy every single day your there.

It was only just a dream

Once I had this dream. I dreamed I was getting married. I saw my white dress that fit me like a glove and the bridesmaids looked beautiful in their gold silk dresses. Some had their hair up, others down. They began to walk, 10 red roses each in their hands, down the candle lit isle. I saw my Dad standing next to me preparing to walk his only daughter down the isle that stood before us. My Future was at the end of this isle. Standing at the beginning of the isle my dad leans in and whispers "You ready?" I didn't feel ready but my feet told me I was as I began to walk that candle lit isle. I saw My families faces, saw their clothes, their hair, and even their smiles. I saw the priest as he awaited my arrival, he was a pro by now. And then there he was, my groom, Stood in a black and white tux. I couldn't see his face, I didn't have to. In my dream I felt like I loved him.

I often think about that dream and wonder who that man was standing at the end of the isle. When I go on dates or meet guys I begin to like, I put their faces to mysterious groom in my dream- It never quite fits. Then I start to think- What if there is no mystery? Maybe he doesn't exist. I shouldn't think like that, but it's hard not to when every woman I know who has a baby finds a man before her next breath.

Is it me? I ask guys this all the time and I feel they know the truth but have the fear of telling me it. I wish guys would just give me a chance to really show who I am. I wish they could see me the way my friends and family see me. I don't ask for much, I just want someone I can depend on. Someone to show my daughter the way a guy SHOULD treat a woman. I'd like respect. The more alone I am and the more I think about the guy I want in my life, the more I come to grasp that it may not happen. I may just be alone for the rest of my life. Just me and my daughter.

I often think about that dream because finally a man wanted me enough to marry me. This isn't depressing and this isnt a cry out for attention. I hear my friends tell me "you'll find someone soon." Mean while they are already on their 5th relationship and I can't even start 1. I just want to know if its me or not. Id like to love someone, I think I could be really good at loving someone, if given the chance. I know I'd make a great girlfriend and I know I'd make an amazing wife. I just want a chance, I'm tired of always getting the short end of the stick. I'm tired of waiting and being patient. I don't want to accept loneliness.

Happy Father's Day!!!

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. ~Enid Bagnold

He sat at the table in silence, thinking about how long him and my mom had been struggling with finances. "Six years." He said over and over again, amazed by how much time had gone by. Its amazing how fast time goes by when you pay no mind to it. Have you ever noticed that? Staring at a clock for 2 minutes feels like 2 hours, but when you look away 2 minutes feels like 2 seconds. My dad isn't a fast man, he will tell you he is, but I can tell you opposite. I have grown much to fast for him. I never gave him the opportunity to adjust.

My Dad has done alot for me through the past 2 almost 3 years. More than any Dad has ever done for their own daughters. Many times my Dad could have told me to get out of his house, but didn't. I don't know why he keeps me here, I know he loves me, but I am such a pain in the ass I wish I would leave.

In my life I have done alot of stupid stuff, said some stupid things, and acted in stupid ways. But I always thought about my Dad when it came to my education. I thought about six years ago up until now, how my parents struggled. I thought about how my dad laughed at the dinningroom table at mckean st even though everything around him was falling apart. I thought about the amounts he has given me, and my brothers and simply asked for nothing in return except a clean kitchen.

I am blessed to have him for a Dad in my life. He has shown me the importance of education and how your life will be if you dont have it. He has shown me dedication, hard work, and he has shown me unconditional love. I respect him for everything that he was, everything that he is, and everything that he is to become.

I love you Dad. Thank you for being the shove in my life instead of the push. Thank for you seeing great things in me and always just wanting the best. Thank you!

falling walls

We have choices in life. That I believe is one of the best things about life, the choices. We can either stay or walk away. If we stay or if we leave we start to wonder this- Will it get better, or not? A risky situation one must take when their walls around them start to fall around you. Some people stay and attempt to put the bricks back up, to rebuild that wall. Impossible, as it may seem, means nothing to the ones who choose to stay. It took our whole lives to build our own sturdy walls. They held in our fears and our weaknesses. These walls we built shelded us from the ones who attempted to break us down or step on our strengths. These walls, comforting, yet protective held us back from what we could have been.

Sometimes things just happen in our lives that we are forced to walk away. No choice about it, just the wonder. If all your life you faced a sad moment at home and all you wondered "will it get better?" do you still wonder it? As you carry all that you can carry in your arms do you still wonder if it would get better? I can only hope it would. The feeling that things make sense, your life is at peace. It's a good feeling when things are calm.

It will get better. We hear that alot when bad things happen to us. We all can not stand to hear someone speak about a better tomorrow. What makes you think I want you think I want you singing "The sun will come out tomorrow..." or any positive tune when I feel this way? huh? What makes you so positive that tomorrow is going to be any better? Tomorrow will be better because its a new day. Tomorrow will be better because all tomorrow's are begining of opportunities. The start of a new you! Your walls have fallin all around you and things are looking bad. The strength you once had cant hold up the rest of the wall any longer and your fears are what you have to face. Sometimes life gives you choices, and sometimes it doesnt.

Holding up that wall your arms begin to shake and your legs could give in at any moment. You could cry out for help but you wonder "Will anyone hear me? Will anyone even help me?" Silence has been your only volume when it came to needing help. You can fix it yourself you dont need help! But this time, you cant. Sometimes knowing someone who understand how you feel or what your going through is just enough. That person will always come and help you hold up that one section of the wall because they know the feeling of lost security. We all assume we are the only ones in this HUGE planet that experience pain, sorry, fear, shame, etc.. There are billions upon billions of others out there in the world living your life. Some may be worse then yours-that is when you count your blessings. Thank God the walls didnt fall on top of you. Who would dig you out? Id like to think the one who would hold the wall up.

Speaking on my own experiences, It will get better. When your walls are falling all around you, it will get better! I pinky swear!