Dear Jenna

I can't say I've ever in my life dealt with a death so close as the one you're dealing with now. I can't say I have ever felt that horrid pain you speak about, nor do I ever wish to feel it. I can, however, say that I understand. And if I don't, then please help me to understand because I would like to be there for you.

God can allow some pretty nasty things to happen in our lives. Its really unfair that the one person who is suppose to be there for us isn't and that sucks. It really sucks that the one ultamite being we depended on is undependable. You just want to scream and God because he controls who stays and who goes. Why couldnt he have sent down his gaurdian angels to protect connor that night? I've said this to you once and I'll say it again. If you want to be mad at anyone, then be mad at God--He can handle it. Sometimes God puts obsticles in our path that seem so unfair and mean but he does it for a reason and its figuring out that meaning--That's tough. It's tough because no one wants to waste time figuring out anything when this whole time they thought they had everything figured out in the first place. There is a reason for why we are here on this earth. Why God has given each of us this thing we call life. There is a reason for why he takes it also.

Jenna I wish that I could take away this pain. It breaks my heart seeing my best friend feel such pain that truely should never be felt by anyone. When you lay awake at night crying because you feel alone, mad, or even sad. Just know that someone out there under those same stars is laying awake with you, is mad with you, and is feeling sad with you. I may not have known Connor but from what you speak of he seemed like a great guy. You will find that Connor again. He is out there waiting for you so he can sweep you off your feet just like Connor did. When your ready and you let him Connor will lead you straight into happiness. What kind of guy would he be if he didnt?

Don't ever try and stand alone. The worse thing you can do for yourself is standing alone through something so tough. Even the strongest man in the world needs some assistance. I may be unsteardy myself and have some problems of my own but if we lean on each other then we can gain strength together. I'm not here to solve your problems just support through them. I can't make you feel better, but I can try to give you reason to wake up in the morning. I cant take away your past, but I can try and give you a great future. I can't erase the pain, but I can try and help you deal with it.

Jenna, you are and forever will be my best friend. We met late in life, but I'm blessed to have met you this way. At least I realize how blessed I am to have you in my life. You are an amazing girl. You have shown me that not every girl out there is a bitch. You have taught me many things even if you think you havent. I am always here for you through thick and thin. No one deserves to stand alone. YOU dont deserve to stand alone, and I wont allow it. Please stay strong and if you need someone to talk to you know my number. If you need someone to lean on you know my address. Dont hesitate for a second.

love you always,

nik

All Girls Talk!!!!

It is okay for me to say that we do not fully know our friends. It is also okay for me to point out that our friends dont fully know us.

We always think we know our friends and its not until years down the road we learn the truth. It sucks when we discover that the one person we convided in has been passing your secrets around as jokes. All of a sudden you feel stupid, alone, and confused. How could you have missed it? You sit back and you dysec every inch of your friendship that you've developed with these people and every bit of it is a lie. It is all a lie. Did they ever like you? Was this friendship at all valuable to them as it was to you?

When I was 6 I had moved to Butler and I met a little girl named Anna. Anna and I would play every day and for the first time I had a friend, a best friend. When we weren't playing we talked on the phone. I called her every day, a security it was having someone else to talk to. It wasnt until 16 years later I learned Anna never cared about my friendship. Actually she never even wanted it. Because of one "friend" I instantly looked at my whole line of friends and I wondered if any of my other friends felt this way. I tried to figure out what it was i did wrong so I could fix it. I never wanted to have a friend who felt the same way Anna did. I think if I was more secure with myself I wouldnt feel the need to evaluate my own life and my friendships.

If I could teach my daughter one thing it is this; That girls will ALWAYS talk. It truely doesnt matter what type of girl you are, you will always talk. Alot of the time these girls who speak negative words on other girls sometimes strive for distraction from their own insecurities. When you are secure with your faith, your family, yourself- you waste no time speaking negative words about others.

We will never FULLY understand why some of us girls open our mouths on personal situations that are truely none of our business. Its hard not having answers for that but there is truely no answers for it because all girls are different. Sometimes we just cant help but spill others secrets and sometimes we spill to cover up our insecurities.

Some girls are over-weight and just have to talk about how Jane is so ugly and how her clothes come from a thrift store. And some girls born stupid feel the need to pass around deep conversations of their friends in hopes to develop inside jokes to disguise their ignorance. It isnt until you are sitting between the two beasts as they laugh histarically at their inside joke that you dont quite get. You try to figure it out but just feel stupid for sitting their in silence.

So I end this with advice for ALL girls. With insecurities and no insecurties, to keep your mouth closed. Take time to shut your mouth and fix yourself. Before you begin to turn your back on the people who have been good friends to you, Think before you speak. Think about what it is you are about to let slip past your lips and if its worth it then go about it but if risking your friendship isnt worth it then you may need to become aquainted with silence. Silence really says a whole lot about how you value your friends secrets.

" I can't wait to leave this house!!!!"

Do you remember saying that before you left? Leaving is easy. Staying gone is hard.

Your life is chaotic and it's constantly full of stress. Constantly feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders because your boyfriend/girlfriend wont talk to you.Your parents are always on your case and your siblings NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE! So a vacation is in need. You wont miss a thing when you leave infact you might not come back. Why would you come back to this ugly mess.

Day one of your vacation: Peace consumes every inch of your body. The feeling of freedom is odd. You spend time with your friends, you site see, you take alots of pictures, and you sleep alone-FOR ONCE!!

Day 4 of your vacation: You do some more site seeing on your vacation and it is at that moment you think "my mom would love seeing this." Everything you see, touch, smell, or taste reminds you of home. Suddenly that comsumption of peace throughout your body grows dimmer and the feeling of freedom, well, you'd rather do without.

On your way home. Standing outside the care looking up at this place you once dreaded and once called an "ugly mess" now looks like a beautiful disaster. The weight of the world doesnt seem so bad. Think about it, people in Haiti could honestly give two shits about your relationship problems. Suddenly you feel blessed to have your parents up your ass every second of the day and as far as your siblings go..Atleast you have siblings. Going home never felt so good or looked so beautiful.

I believe that sometimes people view vacations all wrong. Is it relaxing? yes of course. But is a vacation suppose to make you miss home? Is vacation suppose to bring you down midway through it? Maybe a vacation was someones idea to give people an opportunity to take a step back and really check out your own life. Count those blessings you keep skipping over everyday. Make the situations that frustrate you into your blessing. Maybe when you are at peace with your own life then it is easier to take a vacation and enjoy every single day your there.

It was only just a dream

Once I had this dream. I dreamed I was getting married. I saw my white dress that fit me like a glove and the bridesmaids looked beautiful in their gold silk dresses. Some had their hair up, others down. They began to walk, 10 red roses each in their hands, down the candle lit isle. I saw my Dad standing next to me preparing to walk his only daughter down the isle that stood before us. My Future was at the end of this isle. Standing at the beginning of the isle my dad leans in and whispers "You ready?" I didn't feel ready but my feet told me I was as I began to walk that candle lit isle. I saw My families faces, saw their clothes, their hair, and even their smiles. I saw the priest as he awaited my arrival, he was a pro by now. And then there he was, my groom, Stood in a black and white tux. I couldn't see his face, I didn't have to. In my dream I felt like I loved him.

I often think about that dream and wonder who that man was standing at the end of the isle. When I go on dates or meet guys I begin to like, I put their faces to mysterious groom in my dream- It never quite fits. Then I start to think- What if there is no mystery? Maybe he doesn't exist. I shouldn't think like that, but it's hard not to when every woman I know who has a baby finds a man before her next breath.

Is it me? I ask guys this all the time and I feel they know the truth but have the fear of telling me it. I wish guys would just give me a chance to really show who I am. I wish they could see me the way my friends and family see me. I don't ask for much, I just want someone I can depend on. Someone to show my daughter the way a guy SHOULD treat a woman. I'd like respect. The more alone I am and the more I think about the guy I want in my life, the more I come to grasp that it may not happen. I may just be alone for the rest of my life. Just me and my daughter.

I often think about that dream because finally a man wanted me enough to marry me. This isn't depressing and this isnt a cry out for attention. I hear my friends tell me "you'll find someone soon." Mean while they are already on their 5th relationship and I can't even start 1. I just want to know if its me or not. Id like to love someone, I think I could be really good at loving someone, if given the chance. I know I'd make a great girlfriend and I know I'd make an amazing wife. I just want a chance, I'm tired of always getting the short end of the stick. I'm tired of waiting and being patient. I don't want to accept loneliness.

Happy Father's Day!!!

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. ~Enid Bagnold

He sat at the table in silence, thinking about how long him and my mom had been struggling with finances. "Six years." He said over and over again, amazed by how much time had gone by. Its amazing how fast time goes by when you pay no mind to it. Have you ever noticed that? Staring at a clock for 2 minutes feels like 2 hours, but when you look away 2 minutes feels like 2 seconds. My dad isn't a fast man, he will tell you he is, but I can tell you opposite. I have grown much to fast for him. I never gave him the opportunity to adjust.

My Dad has done alot for me through the past 2 almost 3 years. More than any Dad has ever done for their own daughters. Many times my Dad could have told me to get out of his house, but didn't. I don't know why he keeps me here, I know he loves me, but I am such a pain in the ass I wish I would leave.

In my life I have done alot of stupid stuff, said some stupid things, and acted in stupid ways. But I always thought about my Dad when it came to my education. I thought about six years ago up until now, how my parents struggled. I thought about how my dad laughed at the dinningroom table at mckean st even though everything around him was falling apart. I thought about the amounts he has given me, and my brothers and simply asked for nothing in return except a clean kitchen.

I am blessed to have him for a Dad in my life. He has shown me the importance of education and how your life will be if you dont have it. He has shown me dedication, hard work, and he has shown me unconditional love. I respect him for everything that he was, everything that he is, and everything that he is to become.

I love you Dad. Thank you for being the shove in my life instead of the push. Thank for you seeing great things in me and always just wanting the best. Thank you!

falling walls

We have choices in life. That I believe is one of the best things about life, the choices. We can either stay or walk away. If we stay or if we leave we start to wonder this- Will it get better, or not? A risky situation one must take when their walls around them start to fall around you. Some people stay and attempt to put the bricks back up, to rebuild that wall. Impossible, as it may seem, means nothing to the ones who choose to stay. It took our whole lives to build our own sturdy walls. They held in our fears and our weaknesses. These walls we built shelded us from the ones who attempted to break us down or step on our strengths. These walls, comforting, yet protective held us back from what we could have been.

Sometimes things just happen in our lives that we are forced to walk away. No choice about it, just the wonder. If all your life you faced a sad moment at home and all you wondered "will it get better?" do you still wonder it? As you carry all that you can carry in your arms do you still wonder if it would get better? I can only hope it would. The feeling that things make sense, your life is at peace. It's a good feeling when things are calm.

It will get better. We hear that alot when bad things happen to us. We all can not stand to hear someone speak about a better tomorrow. What makes you think I want you think I want you singing "The sun will come out tomorrow..." or any positive tune when I feel this way? huh? What makes you so positive that tomorrow is going to be any better? Tomorrow will be better because its a new day. Tomorrow will be better because all tomorrow's are begining of opportunities. The start of a new you! Your walls have fallin all around you and things are looking bad. The strength you once had cant hold up the rest of the wall any longer and your fears are what you have to face. Sometimes life gives you choices, and sometimes it doesnt.

Holding up that wall your arms begin to shake and your legs could give in at any moment. You could cry out for help but you wonder "Will anyone hear me? Will anyone even help me?" Silence has been your only volume when it came to needing help. You can fix it yourself you dont need help! But this time, you cant. Sometimes knowing someone who understand how you feel or what your going through is just enough. That person will always come and help you hold up that one section of the wall because they know the feeling of lost security. We all assume we are the only ones in this HUGE planet that experience pain, sorry, fear, shame, etc.. There are billions upon billions of others out there in the world living your life. Some may be worse then yours-that is when you count your blessings. Thank God the walls didnt fall on top of you. Who would dig you out? Id like to think the one who would hold the wall up.

Speaking on my own experiences, It will get better. When your walls are falling all around you, it will get better! I pinky swear!

Enough is ENOUGH!!!!

I am lost. I am lost because I am confused. When we are in a bad relationship, or in any relationship we see for ourselves as bad, why do we stay? Why is THAT enough for us? I truely feel it is because we are afraid of what may come after. Will you find someone else? Can you move on? What if you don't find anyone else?


Today my very good friend "Anna" was upset with her boyfriend "Joe". All she wanted to do was see him and spend some time with him. Turns out this whole time Joe was in the same area as Anna and he neglected to even tell her. A constant let down she faces every morning with a side of babys cry as her morning music. So I asked her this-When is this relationship enough? When is this relationship going to be just enough for you? her response "It would be enough if he would just stop doing the stuff that he does!" I sat there in silence because I grew even more lost then before I had asked the question.


Why do we have to wait for enough to actually be ENOUGH. I feel we are constantly trying to fix men into something we dream of. We have this image of this man on a white horse putting aside his life to save ours. A dream to be saved by a selfless man on a white horse. But even he needs training too. God, it's like I am talking about a dog. Men are not dogs, but they sure need training like them. Everyone wants that perfect K-9 but you cant get that perfect dog unless you train it. Same goes for men. You cant get that PERFECT guy for you unless he is trained to your perfections. But would that be enough for him?

We never blame ourselves for staying either. It's always "Loves" fault for us staying. "If I didn't love him so much I wouldnt stay?" And then we blame our future as if that cant be altered for our own sanity. No matter what serious relationship you are in, you will ALWAYS see them in your future. They are who you know, so why wouldnt you see them in your future? Of course you can not see anyone else, you havent met anyone else.

So, when is it enough? When is any relationship enough for you? Do you stay and train a hellen keller or do you walk away? Maybe it is right to stay. If you truely love someone you should stay and help them improve themselves. As that maybe the case for marriages, that is not the case for relationships. From being around my friends and listening to them talk about their relationships my best advice to anyone who is in a relationship that constantly has its faults. a Negative feeling in the pit of your stomach-Don't waste your time. You are just asking for more let downs and heartbreaks. It is easier said then done, believe me I know. Dont assume I am writing this without any experience. I have been in the SAME relationships, asking the SAME questions, and then listening to the SAME stories being told by my friends. It is a waste of time fixing someone for youself who never wanted to be fixed for you in the first place. When you are finally in a good relationship, the guy treats you the way you deserve to be treated and doesnt need any personality training, then that is when the relationship is enough.

Walking the same tracks.

"No one will EVER understand how I feel."

" I just feel like I am all alone in this, and no one will ever get how I am feeling."

"I have no one to talk to about this because no one gets me."

Have you asked yourself any of those questions when caught in a tough situation? Or not really understand what it is your feeling to the point you believe no one else will either? We are all sitting on the same train tracks waiting for that same train to take us to where ever we need to be.

You are NOT alone. If you want someone to understand you, speak. Speak like you have never spoken before. If you write, then write as if this will be the last time you put your heart down into words. This is the moment to truely allow people in to your world and express what your feeling. You will be surprised at how many people say "I am going through that too. I thought I was alone in this as well." Or " I had no idea you felt his way." Or maybe even "Now I understand where you stand- I get you."

It is truely just a release and a weight off your shoulders knowing that someone is carrying that same weight. Now you two can carry that burdon together and all of a sudden it doesnt seem so heavy. The world doesnt seem so heavy on your shoulders when others are holding it up with you for the same reasons or the same feelings. Life is a peaceful place and all at once you dont feel alone. Yes, the situation your in may still be there causing you pain- But the feeling of being alone has digested itself away. You are not alone when you want to be heard, seen, or valued.

"Everyone wants to be valued. We all want to know. Do you see me? Do you hear me? and Does what I say mean anything to you?" Oprah said that and my response to that and to you is this.

You are valued. I see you. I hear you. And what you say will always mean something to me.

I Pinky Swear.

Remember when you were 8, sitting with your best friend. You each made a promise and to seal that promise you made each other pinky swear. How deep of a promise that was at that moment. You now were committed to your best friend. Loyalty was at an all time high. Now that your older, making a pinky promise means nothing to you. Just some childish tradition that ends the moment you learn how to diseave the people you care about. The moment you find your way out of a pinky promise is the day you lose a bit of your trust.

Maybe we need to go back to our 8 year old days were promises really meant something to us. Maybe instead of sealing our vows with a kiss, instead, seal it with a pinky swear. Maybe it'll mean more. Maybe that should be our new ending to the wedding ceremonies. Nothing would happen, since no one take those vows seriously. If you dont take the vows seriously, then whats the point of marriage? Why bother getting married if you have the risk of ending it later.

Today, I am afraid of committing myself to marriage. Will my future husband take those seriously? Will sealing our vows with a kiss be enough or will I go back to my 8 year old self and gain commitment that is found sealed within a pinky swear or maybe a kiss?

Sometimes I would much rather walk alone. I have spent years and years trying to find that friend that everyone talks about. The friend that has seen you through your worse of days and the best of days. The one who is always welcomed in your home by your family because they have treated you the way a true friend should.

I will speak on behalf of alot of people when I say how frustrating it is giving someone everything you have and more and getting nothing in return. You begin to question yourself-whats wrong with me? Why do I give so much and they give nothing? Am I just meant to be alone for the rest of my life?

Those questions may make one depressed but we can not help but think about it. I am sure millions of men and women, boys and girls, have all thought of the main question-Whats wrong with me? We always end up blaming ourselves because the one person we love and do so much for has done no wrong. They themselves are the ones to blame-NOT you! People who care about others and give them all they can without complaining are never to blame.

Maybe that is God's way of putting you first in your thoughts before anyone else when you instantly wonder what is wrong with you. You know there is nothing wrong with you. You certainly have done nothing wrong.

All we want is someone to walk with us on our lives journey. We want to know that when we look to our right there is someone standing there preparing to catch us if we trip or be there for moral support through the way. That is a dream and a wish for alot of people who have spent most of their life alone wondering in the dark. This is reality, the truth that never seems to fail us. Reality, this is just the way it is, tells you to just move on by yourself. Make sure you got your ipod fully charged, put on your comfortable cloths, and button up that jacket you had hangin in the closet for so long. Put it on and go on your way. Your journey begins the moment you let go of all the people in your life who never cared the way you cared about them. This is your moment to walk with the only person you can trust with your deepest darkest secrets, accept their every flaw, dream of things way beyond their years. Now is your time to walk with- YOU!

grasp

I had his grasp. I could feel his palm sweating in mine and a held on for dear life. He was amazed by my strength and commitment I had when it came to holding his hand. Half a world away I grasped his hand as if he was standing right next to me. I never wanted to let go, for a while I had never had a grasp this good before. My hand was comfortable and I was happy right were I was. Consumed in my own bliss.
But I had an itch that I couldnt ignore. A haunting it was the longer I tried to ignore it. My other hand was full of my own lifes things. Why couldnt this itch just disappear and he see that I'm happy? Can't he just except that for once in my life that I have a firm hold on something that means everything and more to me? Hesitation over flowed my body, i removed my grasp, only to follow that one commandment rule. Took care of the itch and when I went back to grasp that perfect hand I had found it didn't feel quite the same.
He isnt amazed by my strength or my commitment, infact, he believes I lack them both. I want to let go, I've never hated a grasp so much in my life. I've changed everything about this amazing grasp I once had. That itch just had to jump in and remove me from my bliss. I'll attempt to hold his hand, but a sudden jerk the hand tells me I shouldnt.

why is it okay???

Sometimes situations come at you and its in those moments we actually count our blessings. My good friend told me the things her boyfriend says to her and she makes it out like its okay. Is it okay to call a woman a peice of shit? or to put her down for every wrong she's ever done? Make her feel like a failure everyday?

Why is that okay for all women to be treated like shit under a shoe? Maybe I am reacting like this because I never grew up with a Dad who spoke to my mom like that or treated her with such disrespect. Maybe I respect myself too much? But that still adds on my confusion as to why is it okay? Why is NOTHING being said about this or done? Its always silence because its "really none of our business and we shouldn't interfear with their business." Well when can we make it our business? when another woman is laying in a hospital bed bruised from head to toe all because she didnt make his food on time? No girl, no WOMAN, should have to be surrounded by that or even deserve that to begin with.

When I look back on my conversation I instantly feel blessed. I am blessed to have a Dad who shows respect and appreciation towards my mom. I feel blessed to have my Dad and brothers show me and teach me respect. I feel blessed to have never known abuse (verbally and mentally) I think about all the abused victims everyday and wonder- Will they survive? and when will they be saved? whose going to save them-the silent or the out spoken? Forever they stay deep within my prayers.

My daughter is another blessing I add to my list. She has opened my eyes and has made me realize what i deserve. I dont want my daughter bringing home a guy who treats her like nothing. Or talks to her like a dog. I am her example and she lives through me. I need to bring home the right guy for me so she can someday bring the right guy home for her. I mean how can any mother look away from harm towards her own child? Leave her falling when all she wants is someone to catch her. How can a mother be okay with the actions taking place. WHY IS IT OKAY????

I am stuck

I am stuck. Stuck in December 8, 2008 - The day I found out I was pregnant. Never have felt or carried such shame and utter disappointment. Oprah said to her Mother "let it go." That got me thinking-How do you let it go? How do you let shame go and move on looking forward to a better tomorrow? For me it is hard letting go of the shame and disappointment because he holds it above my head. I can feel it hovering over me like a darkened rain cloud just waiting and wanting to let its rain fall.

Everyday I look into the mirror and I examine my face, my body, my skin, and I just feel disgusted. I don't feel attractive or beautiful at all, especially after a mid 30 year old man just told me he is attracted to me. I hate my body and I know I can change that any time, anyday-but I don't because who am I going to impress? Apparently the 30+ year old men who honestly could give two shits about how they look let alone how I look. All my friends who have babies have found a boyfriend within the year of having their little ones. Whats wrong with me? I ask that to myself each time I look in the mirror and examine my face, my body, and my skin.

I am mentally sucidal. I'm smart enough not to attempt such a disaster but I'm dumb enough to think about it. I feel I am the problem child-I can always do wrong. Rarely do I make right and keep it that way. Someone a while a go said "If all my kids were like david we'd have more children." I knew this was a joke but it still, to this day, strikes a nerve everytime I think about it. Kinda makes me want to not exist just disappear only to never be seen again. Every morning when I open my eyes I literally hate myself and I carry with me a peice of the shame that hangs over my head. I have grown insecure, afraid of failure, depressed, and stuck. Stuck on the day December 8, 2008-The day I cant take back but carry with me always